What Was G-d Thinking?

punishment or oversight?

• Throat strangling, lung collapsing summer humidity. The sweat, the mood, does He want everyone to know what it’s like to be a 55-year-old woman?
  

• Fruit cake. Why? It ends up in the garbage. Is it even biodegradable? Punishment for our sins?
  

• Public High School. Did you learn anything besides how to roll a joint, ditch class and run a credit card when you worked part time at the candy store?
  

• I was going to mention rats but then we wouldn’t have owls, cats and terriers. They’re cool.
  

• Plastic toy wrappers with twisty ties. This tortured me and my kids for years. They preferred playing with the box anyway.

  

• Speaking of packaging, plastic, vacuumed food containers that you must cut open with scissors because you already got a paper/plastic cut while pulling at the “tear here” instructions.
  

• Unused social media accounts. I’m writing a gift/humor book with fellow funny mama Pam Lobley and we want to start an IG account dedicated to our books. We came up with hilarious names that were of course taken but one hasn’t been used since 2012.
  

• Cancer, Alzheimer’s… Just not cool, Big Guy
  

• Poutine. French fries prefer to be naked or dipped in ketchup. I once interviewed potatoes. They are forming a union to protect against accidental drowning on the job.

  

  Fries, cheese curds, gravy.

  
  

• Detroit.

• Jihadis. Funsuckers. Can we just go to a concert, run a marathon, work in a tall office building… and be home in time for fruit cake?

• Cockroaches (see Jihadis).

• Diet water.

• Usually at airports, bathroom stalls with gaps exposing how many times you need to wipe.
  

• People who peer through those gaps.
  

• Puppies and kittens. Did He want to melt our hearts on purpose?
  

• Banana slicer. There’s this useful tool that’s been around for thousands of years called a knife.
  

• Banana hammock. We now have counter tops and bowls. And why should the bananas be more comfortable than me?
  

• Judgy people. The Big Guy is already judging. I don’t need your opinions too.

• Suffocation warnings on plastic bags. Seems like an IQ test for parents.

• Pre-peeled oranges in plastic containers. Nature already made packaging. The Big Guy groaned at this one.

• Decaf espresso. Coffee cosplay.

• Egg cuber. For people who find ovals suspicious.

  

• Fake drawers under sinks. Tiny architectural betrayal.

• Printer ink. Monthly ransom.

• QR code menus with bad cell service. Dining as a troubleshooting exercise.
  

• Behiiv. We already know that Substack is the best.

Need to know—-

Any punishments or oversights in your life?