What My Profile Would Look Like If I Were In The Dating Market
What My Profile Would Look Like If I Were In The Dating Market
(Do people say "Dating Market?")
Where did this idea come from? As I gratefully age, I notice physical changes. Chronic back pain and digestion issues are the biggies. So, I wondered what my dating profile would look like if I was single. (Just a post, hubby. Love ya, babe.)
(Disclaimer: For the sake of comedy, I exaggerate. Hubby wanted me to say that.)
SWF seeking a homebody. (Not a recluse. There’s a difference.)
Let’s take a class together… on zoom.
Explore boring foods with me.
We can take a romantic walk… down the driveway.
Travel… to local events… that don’t last more than a couple of hours.
Let me cook a delicious meal for you… no gluten, dairy, soy or corn and definitely no sugary dessert.
Take a long luxurious bath… I’ll run the hot water for you.
Like a bold Cabernet?... I’ll pour you a glass.
Love to hike amongst the Mountain Hemlocks, Western Junipers and Red Alders? You’re on your own.
Let’s hold hands and watch a movie… in the family room. I’ll critique it for you after, especially if there are too many formulaic problems. If you hear me groan during a scene it’s because of trite characters without an arc. (Not only do I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, but I am afflicted with the Screenwriter disease.)
Lose your glasses? Borrow mine. We can laugh about our Strabismus together.
My favorite thing to do in bed? Read.
Laundry? I can bend down not over.
You may warm my heart, but I could be having a hot flash.
Need to go to the doctors? I have great parking karma.
Must love doing nothing.
Interested? Call me at the phone number Hollywood movies always use, 555-5555.
What would stand out on your profile?
Oh Christ. I need to write a post about the scourge of online dating, especially from a male POV, since all we usually hear about it is from women a la how terrible men are. (They often are. But so are many women. Trust me. It's not about male or female but about the incentives of the online platform itself.) Thankfully, I am now engaged :)
Michael Mohr
"Sincere American Writing"
https://michaelmohr.substack.com/
Great piece! I for one have been sort of perpetually dating since I was 11 or so, and I've been "online" since the first sites came out. Maybe it even runs in the family--my mom met her second husband in the 'personals' in the back of the Bay Guardian. My experiences have been largely positive but all over the map for sure. Btw, I've never really heard it called the dating market -- maybe it's more like a one-armed bandit!
As to what stands out, well, it's just a series of word triplets right now:
irreverent independent iconoclast
fit funny fair
meditator man myself
cool clean cook
experienced edgy euphoric
able active artistic
free flying feminist
winning water writer
The next couple of chapters of my memoir in progress that I'm serializing here on Substack will deal with this subject a bit... https://bowendwelle.substack.com/s/memoir