Sorry, I'm early, but all the lights were green
Can I help in the kitchen?
When Jeffrey and I met we immediately bonded— we were perpetually early.
It was our first date, and we were to meet at a Chinese restaurant at 6:30. We arrived at the same time.
Jeff—You’re here.
Me—I’m here. It’s 6:20.
Jeff—You always early too?
It was a match promptly made in heaven.
I didn’t know it then that we both suffered from the Early Affliction Resolute Infirmity (EARLI).
Sometimes it was a benefit for a frantic couple hosting a dinner party—
Hostess opens door, looks at her watch—Oh, you’re early.
Me—Yeah, sorry. We tried to be late.
Jeff—All the lights were green.
Me—Can we help you in the kitchen? Put us to work.
Hostess lights up--Yes! You can cut up some carrots and celery for the crudité.
Jeffrey and I—On it.
We’ve lost a few friends over the decades because of our untimely offense.
Me—Hmmm. We weren’t invited to Jessica’s party.
Jeff—I wonder if it had anything to do with the fact that we were early to her last party and walked in on her having an affair with her husband’s best friend.
Me—We should have left the wine in the car.
Jeff—That was a nice bottle.
How I Caught EARLI
I wasn’t always early. But when friends or family showed up a half hour late and kept me waiting, it wasn’t a good feeling, especially if they had obvious fake excuses like there was a flock of sheep blocking the road. Of course, I understood if the latecomer had more than one baby and/or ADHD— a form of EARLI where even if the afflicted sets an alarm they will be distracted in the next moment forgetting the time or where they were supposed to be.
Here's the kicker. I HATE being late. If a host gives me a place to meet and that place is impossible to find, or traffic suddenly ramps up, I’m in crisis.
So, I decided “early on” that I would do my best to be punctual. The only problem is there’s a fine line between early and late; one second, to be precise.
Jeffrey and I still use the Counting Backward Method:
1. Party call time—8pm
2. I need 45 minutes to dress for fabulousness. That makes it 7:15pm. (Jeff only needs 5 minutes so he’s on a different timetable.)
3. Google maps says it can take between 30 minutes to 4 hours to arrive at my destination. I know that unless there’s a mud slide in West Seattle, the most it will take is an hour. Now we’re at 6:15pm. Bingo. I’m on schedule.
4. If it’s an office Christmas party, don’t leave until 7:45pm. We once arrived early to a corporate Christmas party, and the CEO was testing the microphone and practicing his speech while cater waiters buttoned their vests. The CEO gave us a stink eye as though we were party crashers, which we could have been. I think I asked Jeffrey if we were at the right place.
Google’s AI psychology overview is as follows:
“…’being late’ is often interpreted as a sign of poor time management, lack of respect…, but can also be linked to underlying psychological issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, a desire for control, or even a form of passive-aggressive behavior… essentially, it can reveal underlying issues related to personal boundaries, self-perception, and how someone manages their priorities.”
Know anyone?
On the flip side-- "’being early’ often signifies a personality trait associated with punctuality, reliability, and a strong sense of time management, often indicating a person who prioritizes planning and preparation, potentially stemming from a desire for control and minimizing stress; essentially, it can be seen as a positive reflection of conscientiousness and responsibility.”
Two key words for me are “control stress.” Also, not listed, is to avoid the feeling of guilt (the Jewish form of stress) if I’m late.
Celebrity Teacher
When I was a student at NYU, I was not only early to class but I wanted to nab that front row seat. There were fewer distractions, and I was able to focus on the professor. One of my classes was scene study. (I was a theatre major which today my BFA degree stands for Bologna Frosting Addition—or, useless.) Occasionally we had a surprise guest teacher for this intimate class. I was living on the Upper West side and took the subway to school in the village—a good 45 minutes. On this particular day a subway car broke down and I was late to class. The teacher was David-great-American-playwright-Mamet. My peers were sitting around him like he was Ghandi, waiting for every pearl of wisdom that would drool from his mouth. I immediately recognized him when I walked in the door LATE and probably mumbled, “F—k!” He looked like he stepped out of an Intellectual’s Guide to Vermont Lumberjacks magazine. Red plaid shirt, jeans, smarty-man glasses; I knew if I sat next to him, I’d smell goat milk, horse hay and a dusty first edition of An Actor Prepares. But I scurried in and slid into the first available seat. Mamet then managed to squeeze into the context of his lecture about rehearsing for a Broadway show that “everyone should arrive ON TIME.” Mamet didn’t look at me, but my classmates did. I knew that at least five of them were afflicted with the LATE Syndrome (Lazy Ass Tests Everybody) but somehow managed to show up for this class on time.
How Jeffrey Inherited EARLI
Jeffrey shared with me his darkest secret. He developed the EARLI disease in childhood. Every year he would fly across country to visit his grandmother in New York and at the end of the trip she would take him to the airport 4 hours early. Suffering other people’s affliction is akin to getting the flu. But it’s lifelong.
When we were dating, we heard about Shakespeare in the Park (as in Central) and that the free seating was on a first-come-first-serve basis. We knew we would get front row seats.
If the early bird gets the worm; the early human gets the best parking spot, or, the best tickets to Two Gentlemen of Verona starring Elizabeth McGovern in 1987.
It was tradition to bring a blanket, food and wine and set up your own private Idaho in a line formation. One blanket after another. We thought a 2pm set up would be perfect for an 8pm show. Boy, were we wrong. There were at least 10 blankets ahead of us. I decided those folks had a severe case of EARLI. We all enjoyed our own picnics, sometimes raising a glass to the folks next to us, baguette and brie stuffed in our cheeks, and everyone had their line-cutter-radar on. No passer-by dared throw a quilt in between two blankets. You. Just. Don’t. Dare.
Today--
Jeffrey and I are still plagued but have gotten better at being “fashionably” late.
We do arrive at the airport at a reasonable time—2 hours before boarding. There’s no rationale why I shouldn’t arrive early to the dentist. I can sit in the car, enjoy classic rock, wait for the clock to strike 2:58 at which time I would hop out and check in with the receptionist for my 3pm appointment. I have learned to warn people ahead of time, “If you invite us to a party expect us to be early.”
Unfortunately, our twins inherited our condition at birth. They were born early. But I was able to get them special services at school.
I don’t mind being the first at a party, concert, farmer’s market... We even celebrate New Years at 9pm. Someday, when I meet G-d at the pearly gates, the only words I don’t want to hear are, “You’re early.”
Hope your New Year’s was fab—whenever you celebrated.
Are you afflicted with EARLI?
Do you have horrible excuses if you’re late?
Should I start an EARLI club?
How did you celebrate the new year?
I’m habitually early to every party I go to. Usually my mantra is: Let’s get this over with so we can get back and binge watch The Detectorists. We are party animals. :-) Happy New Year!
I celebrated 2025 by getting up early. I don't have EARLI but I do hate being late if I know someone is waiting for me. My life is very circumscribed geographically so early/late deviations are minimized.