Olympics or Olympstacks
Ukraine and Russia fence, hopeful moms, new categories
Are you watching? Hubby and I are enthralled. We love when the world eagerly resides together in one chosen country to celebrate its best athletes. Too bad it’s not more often-- teams competing peacefully. Why can’t wars be fought this way?
Ukraine—Okay okay, wait. How about your best fencer and our best fencer have a match?
Russia— Okie, comrade.
Here’s Russia’s real answer— Okie. But first our fencers must meet at the Kremlin where we will feed them a special recipe of Borscht. But the Ukrainian fencer must eat out of the purple bowl not the red one.
Still. There they are. In Paris. Except for the lucky surfer teams competing in Tahiti. Hello? I should have raised my kids in Malibu—as though that would have merited a child headed for the Olympics. Were you that parent too? I was. When my daughter was eight and the only kid scoring goals, running twenty feet ahead of all the other kids at every soccer game, when the other moms looked at me like, Wo-your kid has talent, I had hopes. But then she got wise by middle school said, “Ma, soccer just isn’t fun anymore.”
There are some unusual Olympic sports. And a new addition this year--Break Dancing, or Breaking, or Hip Hop (depending on who you ask). Next year, E-sports will be on the docket. Yes, you read correctly. The “sport” of sitting on your butt and playing video games will be on the agenda. I should have encouraged my son when he was a teenager to play more Fortnite. He could have come home with Gold next year and a special edition console promotional endorsement. But he wised up too. He’s a mechanical engineer for a company that, you might say, is saving the world. But it’s top secret, so “YCTA” (this is code in our family for “you can’t tell anyone.”)
I decided the Olympic committee could use some suggestions for new competitions. And the games would be held right here on Substack. Here’s my dream team.
Introducing The Olympstacks:
Motivated Writing
Jen Harrington of
won Best Prompts last year at the World Writing Consortium of Cohorts and Conglomerates, or, the WWCCC. Jen and other thoughtful scribes will be locked in a soundproof room without a muse, an aging pet, cannabis, sunset photos, Simon & Garfunkel on Spotify, nothing to inspire a story. The teams will have thirty seconds. Who will invent the most prompts? Good luck, Jen!Middle Aged Men Podcast will Zoom to Gold
Given the name, this podcast with
might include dad jokes, a baseball cap and a doughy midsection. We need to cheer middle aged men. They are forgotten and must be celebrated. Brian teams up with his co-host hoping to win Gold. Last year, they “Zoomed” to Silver.Resurrection Competition
writes Expired. She can die and return to life in ten seconds! She’s been the world and heavenly champion for an eternity. Ulla already has an Emmy nomination but found a “rebirth” in memoir writing after her NDE (Near Death Experience). She represents team New Orleans—the former home of vampire novelist, Anne Rice. A coincidence?
Marathon Grief
is a widow who can run a marathon of grief in under nine months. Since then, she’s gone pro, growing from sorrow, hailing from the “country” of New York City. (Yes, NYC deserves its own country code.) Note— Amy goes unchallenged. This “country” remains the toughest when faced with emotional hardship.Fastest Analysis
writes Letters From A Psychotherapist. He holds the state record for diagnosing your mental health issue in under five minutes. JE has put together a team that features Free Association Freestyle and Hypnotic Gymnastics. He claims to be from the township of Hysteria, on the outskirts of Transyl-mania.12 Step Recovery in 2 Steps
can name that recovery step in one word. She’s recovered from an eating disorder and helps others through her writing. She shares her own path of being queer and having a gay dad. She hopes to take less than 12 steps to Gold in the Olympstacks.Personal Unbest
of Unfixed shares video interviews of folks facing adversity and still live a good life. Kim’s unbreakable record means she is undefeated in this category.The Sport of Sewing
at sewdiypatterns has a secret weapon. Math. She drafts her own patterns according to theorems and represents team USA. She declined to don the signature Ralph Lauren uniform opting instead to create her own flattering sportswear as she lit the Olympstack flame.TV Marathon Binge
American champ
of TV and Film recommendations fame, will compete against British maven, . While Beth may have Hollywood on her side of the pond, Kate has the Indie shows of Europe. There may be subtitles but those stories tend to be more, well, interesting. Will Beth come up with the best bingeable TV shows and movies? Watch the Olympstacks on any streaming device.Knitting competition
Team
hails from the UK. She holds the world record for knitting a fisherman’s sweater in under an hour. June will also participate in the Extensive Reading competition. Thus far, she has no opponents as June can read a novel, history or memoir in under five minutes and live to write about it. June could be UK’s first multi-sport medalist.Weed Pulling
usually writes about a life Unlearned but has proven to be an expert in the “field” of weed pulling. She won first place in the Canada Crown Cascading Carrots of the Coast for plowing her own backyard in under 1 season. She hopes to win Gold by next spring when her vegetables return.Most Adopted Dogs
Team
at Of A Sober Mind has won Gold in every Olympics since 1979. He has adopted 11 dogs to date and plans to make room for another 31 by year’s end. It’s “ruff” going but he’s cheered on by his coaches/subscribers.Comedy
Good Humor enters the scrimmage this year. CK Steefel has a lot of competition. Just look at the gals she interviews not to mention the funny dudes on Substack. Here is her recent video submission for consideration. She’s hoping this will be used for the Opening Ceremony.
1. Sorry if I missed yours. Please add your own Olympstack below.
2. Are your kids or pets Olympic-worthy too?
Has anyone added "Relaxed Coffee Drinking" yet?
Also I could be an adoptable dog contender, especially if there are bonus points for foster fails.