My Dating Profile

if I was dating

Just a post, hubby. Love ya, babe.

(Disclaimer: For the sake of comedy, I exaggerate. Hubby wanted me to say that.)

That’s not me.

SWF seeking a homebody.

Let’s take a class together… on zoom.

Explore daring foods with me… no gluten, dairy, soy or corn and definitely no sugary dessert.

We can take a romantic walk… down the driveway… to get the mail.

Travel… to local events… that don’t last more than a couple of hours.

Must be within 5 driving miles of a bathroom.

Take a long luxurious bath… I’ll run the hot water for you.

Like a bold Cabernet?... I’ll pour you a glass.

Love to hike amongst the Mountain Hemlocks, Western Junipers and Red Alders? You’re on your own.

Let’s hold hands… mine are cold and arthritic but I have a warm heart… that beats.

Let me excite you. Don’t worry about me; I have low blood pressure.

If my heart does go pitter patter that’s probably because I accidentally ingested caffeine.

We can watch a movie… in the family room. I’ll critique it for you after, especially if there are too many formulaic problems. If you hear me groan during a scene it’s because of trite characters without an arc. (I am afflicted with the Screenwriter disease.)

Lose your glasses? Borrow mine. We can laugh about our Strabismus together.

My favorite thing to do in bed? Read.

Laundry? I can bend down not over.

You may warm my heart, but I could be having a hot flash.

Need to go to the doctors? I’ll drive. I have great parking karma and driving glasses.

Must love doing nothing. Boring is underrated.

Love sexy lingerie? I wear torn sweatpants to bed.

Interested? Call me at the phone number Hollywood movies always use, 555-5555.

What would stand out on your profile?