Interview With A Dog

Apollo got the job

Describe the purpose of your job to someone from another planet.

“World peace.”

(Originally published January 24, updated August 6, 2024)

Last week hubby and I went out of town and sent our pooch to a Rover sitter. Rover.com is an online marketplace for pet services. It’s really like a dating app for dogs and potential sitters. There are pages and pages of sitters, their picture, price per night, reviews and about info. The Rover company suggests a ‘meet and greet’ before booking your dog’s stay.

Apollo had a successful ‘meet and greet’ and a wonderful stay.

Meanwhile, I love to personify my pooch. Instead of a ‘meet and greet,’ I imagined Apollo on a job interview. Here it is… (For some reason, Apollo’s voice reads like the Dude from The Big Lebowski.)

Note: An interviewer actually once asked hubby some of these bizarro questions…

Can you name a time that was challenging for you?

Yeah. Like, when I saw a squirrel outside the window, and I barked and barked and my human mom wouldn’t let me out and I thought, “Chill, ma. I’ll never catch the dang rodent. And even if I did, I had the rabies vac. I’m good.” She didn’t get it.

Describe your best work experience?

Going camping, man. Watching dad yell orders at mom while he struggles with the tent poles. I roll around in the cool dirt while sweaty dad unloads the sleeping bags, blow-up bed, firewood, heavy cooler… Last time the cooler ice melted, and meat juice spilled all over the hatchback trunk and the whole car reeked of rancid sausage. I chewed on a random branch while mom washed down the trunk carpet and dad did an anger dance because he forgot the soccer chairs. Good times.

On this trip dad remembered the soccer chairs but mom had a bad back and needed to foam roll. Wherever we go I bring my squeaky ball and mom brings her foam roller.

What was your worst experience on the job?

Whenever there’s a leftover pill after a meal and my mom shoves it down my throat. She clamps my mouth shut and tells me to ‘swallow’ and does the action herself like I’m supposed to follow her lead. I take too many pills, man. Mom puts them on top of my food as though I’ll eat them first. Dude, the pink pill and the one with a red stripe throw me off— they smell like gasoline. (I have epilepsy and get crystals in my urine, hence, the pills and special kibble.) Don’t worry. It doesn’t affect my dedication and job performance. And I did display a great sense of humor about the situation when mom and dad made a video and put it on Instagram.

I should probably mention my flatulence. Mom thinks it’s from the meds but the vet says, No.

What’s your superpower?

If my mom is sobbing after watching a killer whale catch a baby seal on TV, I just scooch up next to her and gaze at her with my big baby browns. Gets her every time.

Tell me about a time when you couldn’t solve harassment at work?

My least favorite dog park attracts some weird ass dogs. It’s like they didn’t get the memo that we’re supposed to sniff each other’s butts. This one Yorkie just yapped and yapped like he was King Fido. I told him, “Yo, dude, I know you can’t reach that Great Dane’s asshole, so you just gotta trust that he’s cool.”

Was there ever a time you couldn’t keep your own aggression under control.

Normally, I’d say, “No comment,” but I’ll be honest here— I’ve been neutered. It changed my life so… no.

What’s an ideal working environment?

I need a cool place to lie down and a nap at least 6 hours a day.

Biggest mistake?

I threw up on the carpet. Mom usually hears the heave ho first then bolts over to me like she’s in the Olympics’ sprint competition and pushes me onto the bathroom tile. I guess it’s easier to clean up there. But man, once you get the heaves, you’re completely focused on purging that grass mixed with bile. It’s nasty. Anyway, mom was in the other room and didn’t get to me in time. There’s still a stain on the carpet.

What do you like to do on weekends?

Pretty much the same as my work day.

Did you know a bag of chips can be mistaken for a pillow?

Describe the purpose of your job to someone from another planet.

World peace.

Do you have any special skills?

Being groomed. I used to be a show dog. It’s like modeling but there’s no catwalk. It’s a dog walk. Get it? Dogwalk? When I was a puppy I stood on tables for hours, getting washed, shaved and fluffed under hot lights surrounded by blow dryers and other hopeful dog models. I didn’t make the big time, but I’m the groomer’s favorite dog ‘cause I’m so used to getting my big ears brushed, toe nails clipped, anal glands extracted... I even stand still at the end of my appointment while she ties on the goofy scarf. Dad always rips it off as soon as I get home. He lets me smell it before tossing it in the garbage.

This photo shows the lady who bred show-puppies and she’s giving me a lesson on the special standing position. Then she shipped me off to a stage mother which in a dog’s world is called, a Handler. By 18 months I didn’t hit the big time so I was adopted out to the Steefels. I prefer my family over a life on the road.

What was the funniest thing that happened to you recently?

Mom came home from the market and there was one bag that must have been really heavy ‘cause she was teetering and tottering. I was so excited that she was home that all 55 pounds of me shook and wiggled between her legs which made her trip over me and fall down. Dude… The entire inside of the bag flew out and there were smashed eggs, a broken jar of marinara sauce, and a rice package opened and spilled like sand all over the floor. Mom was finding long grain crumbs a month later. I REALLY wanted to laugh, but I’m a dog. I don’t have the right hardware for the chortle. But I did bark with glee. She made me sit and stay so I wouldn’t eat raw egg. Then, as she cleaned up, I just sat there and sniggered to myself. I still laugh when I think about it. I guess I like slapstick comedy.

What two nonessential items would you want if you were shipwrecked on a deserted island?

A ball.

And the other?

A ball.

I couldn’t find a ball but I sniffed out a bone. Even better.

How many pennies could fit in this room?

One million, two hundred and fifty thousand balls.

How many smart phones are there in the U.S.?

A kadrillion balls.

What animal symbolizes who you are?

A human.

What actor would play you in a movie about your life?

Denzel Washington. Mom has a crush on him.

Nominated Best Actor for his portrayal as Apollo

1. How would you or your pet answer some of these questions?

2. Any questions for Apollo?

3. Thanks for reading (again?)

4. Ever get overwhelmed by crappity-crap-crap (as per the header)?