Interesting you ask, I'm posting this morning, in three minutes actually, ha, about new friends I've made in the last few years. I wouldn't have guessed it. And I can't say I was looking for new friends at 67, but nonetheless I have made some very nice new friends in the last few years. 💜
Thank you for writing this. It gave me a lot to think about. I guess I would qualify as an Alaskan townie and I fear I might be a Meg. If it helps, my reason for avoiding new friendships usually has more to do with my own anxiety/insecurity than anything about the other person. New people make me a little nervous. I do make new friends, but it's usually a long process. However, this sweet piece has inspired me to reconsider friendship advances. If you never take a risk, you miss the chance to gain something wonderful. Like a beautiful new friend!
What you said about the siblings is spot on true. I'm very close with my brother and his wife. I also have a LOT of cousins that occupy much of my social time. Not to mention my husbands equally large family. We basically have a built in social structure!
My husband told me all about the Seattle Freeze. He struggled with that when he lived there and usually ended up dating either Alaskan transplants like himself, or girls from elsewhere. Never Seattle natives though. He couldn't seem to attract their interest. Interesting phenomenon!
people who don’t need people (Barbra Streisand should sing that version) ! One person's stalking is another's kindness. I used to be on the stalking end of it...but I'm too tired now. Loved this one!
No I don't have masses of friends. I can count them on the fingers of one and a half hands. But that's good because they're very important and we're kindred spirits.
I learned early in life that some folk can be plain nasty and that rudeness is globally endemic. I have a husband who is the other half of my soul and I have my dog and my kids and my grandson. It's pretty well all my life needs to make it complete.
I've lived here and there in Australia - but returned with family to my island home about 30 years ago. The friends I returned to interestingly are not the friends I have now. Time and people change.
Time and again I think of that old phrase “Friends for a reason, friends for a season, friends for all time”. Maybe I’m missing part of it but it goes something like that.
It brings to mind two women I met, one only for a plane ride, another for a few days at our kids sporting event. It was like we became intimate besties for the shortest time possible and that was it. They live in my memory, it was awesome.
A great post and you covered a lot of ground. Have lived all over but a long time after we settled in one place. Love the Boston bits -- had a roommate FROM Boston and we became great friends. Maybe when they leave home they push their way in. He was a wonderful friend. I have connections and some friendships from each stop along the way but some places ARE DEFINITELY harder than others. Empty nesting is an interesting pivot. You have the time and inclination to pivot to what you want again.
Such an interesting article, thank you! I feel like I’m on all ends of this spectrum at the same time...
I have a group of lifelong friends (over 50 years) that I remain super close with even though we are spread out over miles and countries. We still gather once a year. Our continued relationship is very precious and we don’t take it for granted. We have been through some heartbreakingly hard times and held each other up.
I live in a small, rural community where I have a high profile job and am well known but sometimes I feel like not many really KNOW me. My friend group really changed when I decided to stop drinking wine. It took awhile to morph and shift but in the end I lost most of them and have worked to establish relationships with other women.
Meeting a kindred-soul-woman-friend is a lot like dating, you’ve got to kiss a lot of toads to meet someone decent. And as far as couple friends there are very few. You’re right about that...it’s tricky.
I am starting to find some pretty awesome folks online that I hope to be friends with.
Those close friendships sound wonderful. Very rare. Nice that you all make an effort to get together. I completely understand about alcohol and friends. I was toying with an essay idea on the topic since I don’t drink alcohol anymore. Sort of like my, It’s Coffees Fault essay. So nice to meet you, Donna. I’m looking forward to reading your Substack.
Such a heartwarming, true comment. It is very difficult when you have moved around and continually are trying to make new friends. I am on the east coast where people have known each other for 50 years. I am not in that category. The one place you can meet friends is a common club, such as an organization, charity, or a country club. I live in a country club and have made fabulous friends. Come to Florida, and join my club! Before you know it, you will have so many friends you won't have time for yourself
Sort of, yes and yes. I have friends that I've known since elementary school or seventh grade when all the elementary schools spilled into the same junior high. They are mostly on Facebook...and I'm not. One we'll text on our birthdays. My BFF from film school is still a dear friend. But, I'm good at losing touch, believing thinking a good thought is the same as sending a text or making a call. I've lived in Los Angeles my entire life, and have seen so many friends leave. That thins the herd. But real connections can withstand inattention. It just takes one call, text, email to get the ball rolling again. It's not easy to make connections when there are so many rude and self-absorbed people out there. When you find a goodie, keep them. xo
Such a poignant article. It’s so hard to make friends as an adult. You’ve had a rough time with all the moves. I’ve been lucky in that regard. But I did have a major falling out with a best friend many years ago. I was in mourning for a month!
I have 2 "ride-or-die" friends- although over 65- year olds are more likely to die than ride anymore, and my Facebook friends are about 90% "never mets"; 5% virtuals, but have engaged in chats or email exchanges, and 5% school friends from K-College who I haven't seen in person since.
I did drive cross-country to see a friend on his deathbed, but did not arrive on time (and, tbh, I was driving out there for another reason as well). We weren't ALL that close, but I was at a stage in my life where I was recognizing that life is getting shorter by the minute, and he was too young. I lived a life where I would've sacrificed my life for my partners (police) and brethren, or even for total strangers in order to save them. Now, I have no one, really. I see my friends from my youth still living in the same neighborhood, still going to the same bar, still hanging with the same friends for fifty years. I get a little jealous of that. In the meantime, I've moved 20 times, lived in 10-15 states, and did a number of different things. My friendships were as fleeting as one-night stands...and my marriages. I was always impressed by my father's funeral; they had to open a second room to accomodate viewers, and added an extra day for viewing. Maybe they were just making sure the ol' bastard was really dead- Idk- but he had a huge number of friends. Conversely, I'll be cremated, and my FB page will be shut down "in memoriam" and no one will think twice. It is what it is. I'm happy for those who surround themselves with good people. It keeps them young and active!
I hear ya. Especially regarding the funeral. My FIL packed the synagogue. People always equate a packed house with the deceased being a good person. It makes the friend-challenged feel like they’re not decent. I’m a dam good person yet I can’t imagine more than the first row of seats taken. For me, as long as it’s family and my two close friends I’ll be smiling down from heaven.
Ultimately, I don't care because I'll be dead, but as someone who wanted to be as famous as Elvis, and your passing goes unnoticed for the most part, it's not exactly how you dreamed your life to be. There's so much more to this, but I won't use this space to peel it back, but I'm sure every person buried in a pauper's field, or cremated and have their cremains left behind at the funeral home, all probably had hoped to make a big mark in the world- but the world is a BIG place. Only the "famous" and "infamous" make that indelible mark, which is why some people commit heinous acts. Fame is a powerful drug. I know I will leave behind four children (one of my own). and so far, two grandkids. I want to live long enough to be remembered fondly by them.
It's so hard to make friends as an adult. My husband and I don't have kids and his military career has moved us every 2 years for the last decade. We've lived literally everywhere except the PNW, though it's always been at the top of my list. It seems every place has "townies" and if you're not it, you're just not.
Military spouses + communities are a whole complicated thing. The element of not having kids makes it more difficult, too. I think internet connections and the lack of common community spaces has made friendship more elusive than ever across the board.
There is an app for friends. It’s Bumble. But good luck getting many people to move past 2-3 messages. Then again, maybe it’s just me. Lol
This one really hit home for me! My husband and I were just talking about how our friends have dwindled to almost none, like those favorite foods we used to eat but our slowing metabolisms can no longer handle. We don't even have the excuse of moving around a lot. Instead, most of our friends got wise and moved away to be with their families, or to live somewhere more interesting (hmm, maybe to a place with more friends...).
Sent! Oh - it bounced back. Says I have to comment on the website. But I bet you can email me separately from a Substack post (though I've never tried to access anyone's emails in my own account, so I don't know how it's done).
Interesting you ask, I'm posting this morning, in three minutes actually, ha, about new friends I've made in the last few years. I wouldn't have guessed it. And I can't say I was looking for new friends at 67, but nonetheless I have made some very nice new friends in the last few years. 💜
And I just read your new lovely post. That’s wonderful that you’ve made new friends. There’s hope for me. 😃
Always hope! ❤️
Thank you for writing this. It gave me a lot to think about. I guess I would qualify as an Alaskan townie and I fear I might be a Meg. If it helps, my reason for avoiding new friendships usually has more to do with my own anxiety/insecurity than anything about the other person. New people make me a little nervous. I do make new friends, but it's usually a long process. However, this sweet piece has inspired me to reconsider friendship advances. If you never take a risk, you miss the chance to gain something wonderful. Like a beautiful new friend!
What you said about the siblings is spot on true. I'm very close with my brother and his wife. I also have a LOT of cousins that occupy much of my social time. Not to mention my husbands equally large family. We basically have a built in social structure!
My husband told me all about the Seattle Freeze. He struggled with that when he lived there and usually ended up dating either Alaskan transplants like himself, or girls from elsewhere. Never Seattle natives though. He couldn't seem to attract their interest. Interesting phenomenon!
You’re no Meg. You invited me to Easter next year. 😉 siblings and cousins. ❤️
Awe! Thank you.
people who don’t need people (Barbra Streisand should sing that version) ! One person's stalking is another's kindness. I used to be on the stalking end of it...but I'm too tired now. Loved this one!
Thx. 😃
SUCH a good post.
No I don't have masses of friends. I can count them on the fingers of one and a half hands. But that's good because they're very important and we're kindred spirits.
I learned early in life that some folk can be plain nasty and that rudeness is globally endemic. I have a husband who is the other half of my soul and I have my dog and my kids and my grandson. It's pretty well all my life needs to make it complete.
I've lived here and there in Australia - but returned with family to my island home about 30 years ago. The friends I returned to interestingly are not the friends I have now. Time and people change.
But I'm content...
Kindred spirits is key. I even wonder if I should take those words literally as though my husband and sisters were souls I knew in the spirit world.
I think literally is the only way.
Nothing much else matters... it's a ringing of bells.
Right?!
When you know you know.
Time and again I think of that old phrase “Friends for a reason, friends for a season, friends for all time”. Maybe I’m missing part of it but it goes something like that.
It brings to mind two women I met, one only for a plane ride, another for a few days at our kids sporting event. It was like we became intimate besties for the shortest time possible and that was it. They live in my memory, it was awesome.
I once had an airplane bestie too.
A great post and you covered a lot of ground. Have lived all over but a long time after we settled in one place. Love the Boston bits -- had a roommate FROM Boston and we became great friends. Maybe when they leave home they push their way in. He was a wonderful friend. I have connections and some friendships from each stop along the way but some places ARE DEFINITELY harder than others. Empty nesting is an interesting pivot. You have the time and inclination to pivot to what you want again.
Pivoting nomads. When we’re ready to retire the plan is to plots where the kids are. And that’s that. No more moving.
Such an interesting article, thank you! I feel like I’m on all ends of this spectrum at the same time...
I have a group of lifelong friends (over 50 years) that I remain super close with even though we are spread out over miles and countries. We still gather once a year. Our continued relationship is very precious and we don’t take it for granted. We have been through some heartbreakingly hard times and held each other up.
I live in a small, rural community where I have a high profile job and am well known but sometimes I feel like not many really KNOW me. My friend group really changed when I decided to stop drinking wine. It took awhile to morph and shift but in the end I lost most of them and have worked to establish relationships with other women.
Meeting a kindred-soul-woman-friend is a lot like dating, you’ve got to kiss a lot of toads to meet someone decent. And as far as couple friends there are very few. You’re right about that...it’s tricky.
I am starting to find some pretty awesome folks online that I hope to be friends with.
Those close friendships sound wonderful. Very rare. Nice that you all make an effort to get together. I completely understand about alcohol and friends. I was toying with an essay idea on the topic since I don’t drink alcohol anymore. Sort of like my, It’s Coffees Fault essay. So nice to meet you, Donna. I’m looking forward to reading your Substack.
I can’t recall if I read the Coffees Fault essay so I will look for that.
Likewise, very nice to meet you!
Such a heartwarming, true comment. It is very difficult when you have moved around and continually are trying to make new friends. I am on the east coast where people have known each other for 50 years. I am not in that category. The one place you can meet friends is a common club, such as an organization, charity, or a country club. I live in a country club and have made fabulous friends. Come to Florida, and join my club! Before you know it, you will have so many friends you won't have time for yourself
Me amigo you amigo?
Sort of, yes and yes. I have friends that I've known since elementary school or seventh grade when all the elementary schools spilled into the same junior high. They are mostly on Facebook...and I'm not. One we'll text on our birthdays. My BFF from film school is still a dear friend. But, I'm good at losing touch, believing thinking a good thought is the same as sending a text or making a call. I've lived in Los Angeles my entire life, and have seen so many friends leave. That thins the herd. But real connections can withstand inattention. It just takes one call, text, email to get the ball rolling again. It's not easy to make connections when there are so many rude and self-absorbed people out there. When you find a goodie, keep them. xo
Such a poignant article. It’s so hard to make friends as an adult. You’ve had a rough time with all the moves. I’ve been lucky in that regard. But I did have a major falling out with a best friend many years ago. I was in mourning for a month!
I have also had a divorce from a close friend and it took me over a year to fully recover. It’s a big deal.
Glad you’re recovered. ❤️
I remember the falling out. It’s heartbreaking.
I have 2 "ride-or-die" friends- although over 65- year olds are more likely to die than ride anymore, and my Facebook friends are about 90% "never mets"; 5% virtuals, but have engaged in chats or email exchanges, and 5% school friends from K-College who I haven't seen in person since.
I did drive cross-country to see a friend on his deathbed, but did not arrive on time (and, tbh, I was driving out there for another reason as well). We weren't ALL that close, but I was at a stage in my life where I was recognizing that life is getting shorter by the minute, and he was too young. I lived a life where I would've sacrificed my life for my partners (police) and brethren, or even for total strangers in order to save them. Now, I have no one, really. I see my friends from my youth still living in the same neighborhood, still going to the same bar, still hanging with the same friends for fifty years. I get a little jealous of that. In the meantime, I've moved 20 times, lived in 10-15 states, and did a number of different things. My friendships were as fleeting as one-night stands...and my marriages. I was always impressed by my father's funeral; they had to open a second room to accomodate viewers, and added an extra day for viewing. Maybe they were just making sure the ol' bastard was really dead- Idk- but he had a huge number of friends. Conversely, I'll be cremated, and my FB page will be shut down "in memoriam" and no one will think twice. It is what it is. I'm happy for those who surround themselves with good people. It keeps them young and active!
I hear ya. Especially regarding the funeral. My FIL packed the synagogue. People always equate a packed house with the deceased being a good person. It makes the friend-challenged feel like they’re not decent. I’m a dam good person yet I can’t imagine more than the first row of seats taken. For me, as long as it’s family and my two close friends I’ll be smiling down from heaven.
Ultimately, I don't care because I'll be dead, but as someone who wanted to be as famous as Elvis, and your passing goes unnoticed for the most part, it's not exactly how you dreamed your life to be. There's so much more to this, but I won't use this space to peel it back, but I'm sure every person buried in a pauper's field, or cremated and have their cremains left behind at the funeral home, all probably had hoped to make a big mark in the world- but the world is a BIG place. Only the "famous" and "infamous" make that indelible mark, which is why some people commit heinous acts. Fame is a powerful drug. I know I will leave behind four children (one of my own). and so far, two grandkids. I want to live long enough to be remembered fondly by them.
That's the key. A positive legacy for your spawn.
It's so hard to make friends as an adult. My husband and I don't have kids and his military career has moved us every 2 years for the last decade. We've lived literally everywhere except the PNW, though it's always been at the top of my list. It seems every place has "townies" and if you're not it, you're just not.
What about other military wives? It’s tough. There should be a Friend ap. Like a dating app but for new besties.
Military spouses + communities are a whole complicated thing. The element of not having kids makes it more difficult, too. I think internet connections and the lack of common community spaces has made friendship more elusive than ever across the board.
There is an app for friends. It’s Bumble. But good luck getting many people to move past 2-3 messages. Then again, maybe it’s just me. Lol
Interesting about military culture. Of course there’s an app for friendships. Haha.
This one really hit home for me! My husband and I were just talking about how our friends have dwindled to almost none, like those favorite foods we used to eat but our slowing metabolisms can no longer handle. We don't even have the excuse of moving around a lot. Instead, most of our friends got wise and moved away to be with their families, or to live somewhere more interesting (hmm, maybe to a place with more friends...).
If you’re in WA state let’s get together. I understand your friends who move to be near kids. That’s our retirement plan.
That's ours, too (although our son doesn't know it yet, haha). I'm not in WA state, but about twice a year come to Seattle to visit family!
Email me. Let me know next time you’ll be in town. (I’m hoping my Substack email works.)
Sent! Oh - it bounced back. Says I have to comment on the website. But I bet you can email me separately from a Substack post (though I've never tried to access anyone's emails in my own account, so I don't know how it's done).
Here’s my email. penmom@gmail.com
I know the Substack email should work. I tried changing settings. Will have to investigate further.
Okay, replied to that one. Let me know if you figure out the Substack email situation, because I'm curious about that.