Did You Know About These Rules?
6 new laws my gen zoomer spawn taught me
Gen Z-Memo Law Number 1
Thou shalt not leave a voice message.
Your kid won’t listen. They will know that you called because “recents” is illuminated. If you do leave a message, it will be deleted upon impact or left to drift amongst the ethernet detritus. I learned this the hard way a few years ago. The (actual) phone call with my delightful daughter went something like this--
Me—Did you get my message?
Samantha—No.
Me—I left you a really long message.
Samantha—What did you say?
Me—I told you about a recent study. I texted you the article, but you didn’t respond, so I mentioned the highlights. How did you not get my message?
Samantha—I saw that you called.
Me—You didn’t play back my message from last week either, did you?
Samantha—I texted you back. Remember? I said, ‘Everything okay?’
Me—You don’t listen to messages, do you?
Samantha—No one does, ma. It’s a thing. None of my friends leave messages either.
This was devastating. I slouched in my ergonomic office chair. I remembered my Panasonic voice machine and Actor’s Alley Answering Service like it was yesterday, as though the TV show Hey Vern was never cancelled. My heart leapt when there were more than 2 voicemails on my answering machine, even if they were from my parents. In the 80s every actor worth his pancake makeup had an answering service. When I called Actor’s Alley from a payphone to check in after waiting on an Open Call audition line for 4 hours I was thrilled when I’d get a message from my agent that I had an audition for Hey Vern. Later, there was a new technology; the PAGER! It would beep when I had a new message.
If Spawn Samantha didn’t read the articles I texted or emailed her, or listen to her messages, how was I going to inform her about that celery recall, or that cute sweater I saw on RueLala, or her local politician’s antics.
And then I realized— I’m that mom. Instead of cutting out newspaper articles and snail mailing them, I inundate via email or text.
Samantha works full time, is a newlywed with oodles of friends and she and my SIL travel every weekend according to the season. If they’re not visiting a friend in Queens in September for the US Open, skiing in VT, flying to grandma’s in Florida in the winter, etc, something is wrong. Schedule-wise, my daughter could keep up with the Kardashians.
When we do speak on the phone, maybe once a week, she’ll give us a good 45 minutes of her time.
A recent Sunday night phone call—
Me—What did you do this weekend?
Samantha—We did nothing. We weren’t feeling well. So, Friday night friends came over with soup, we hiked Saturday and today we went to a movie and walked around the mall. I needed gloves.
Me—That would be an overwhelming weekend for me.
Samantha—No, really, we sat around a lot.
We giggled as I repeated her “nothing” weekend back to her.
My son, Dylan, has his own rules. He also doesn’t listen to messages, but he doesn’t text either. Dylan prefers calling or FaceTiming.
Here’s a text thread with Dylan—
Me—How are you?
No answer for two days.
Me—????
No reply.
Me—I need proof of life.
My phone rings.
Dylan is old school. He prefers the phone. Even better, in-person. He once told me he wished he grew up in the 70s. I guess he has an affinity for rotary phones and spiral cords that have to be unraveled like a hose.
We had to teach him the art of emailing when he was in college.
Dylan-- I need to talk to my professor about an assignment.
Me-- Did you email him?
Dylan-- I went to his office, but he wasn’t there.
Me-- Did you go during office hours?
Dylan-- Yeah. I guess he stepped out.
Me-- Try emailing him.
Dylan-- I’d rather see him in person. I’ll try again tomorrow.
Tomorrow
Me-- Did you speak with your professor?
Dylan-- There was a line. By the time I was second in line he had to go.
Me--You might want to email him.
Dylan--I’ll try again tomorrow.
Consequently, said assignment was not handed in on time.
Gen Zemail Law Number 2
Thou shalt email but don’t expect a reply.
I email my kids about 83 articles per day. I don’t know if they read them, and I rarely ask. Many are Substacks I forward to them. At this point my emails probably go into their junk pile. In all likelihood they are using a new AI tool designed to filter out meddling Mom communications.
Gen Zemoji Law Number 3
Thou Shalt Communicate With Emojis.
This is an unsaid rule amongst the Gen Zoomers. I wrote about this once as a joke. But I guess the Gen Z crowd prefers cartoon expressions to words. Hubby mentioned that they probably have to be careful not to use the wrong emoji-- a “Fauxmoji.”
Gen Zimmediate Law Number 4
Thou shalt respond instantaneously to a text.
As mentioned above, Dylan has his own rules, but Samantha informed me that she and her friends reply within a mili-split-moment. However, I can’t picture one of her friends, who is a medical resident, looking at a text in the middle of a jaw replacement surgery, and saying, “OMG, a new Tatte Cafe just opened on Mass Ave.”
Gen Z-proof or Zacknowledgment Law Number 5
Thou shalt save all texts as receipts.
I asked Samantha for details.
Samantha—like when there’s drama. He-said-she-said.
Me—There’s drama with you and your friends? I thought you were all roses and Friendsgiving potlucks.
Samantha—Well, if someone claims you weren’t supportive or whatever, you can scroll back, screenshot proof and send. It hasn’t happened since like middle school but it’s a good tool.
Me—I doubt Dylan has ever needed receipts. No drama with guys.
Samantha—He doesn’t even text.
Me—He doesn’t even read my Substack.
Gen Z-Juggle or Zuggle Rule Number 6
If thou can’t “type” (with two thumbs) as fast as Mavis Beacon, or if you can’t switch between Apps, Youtube, a podcast, Snapchat, etc, simultaneously, join Club Carissa. It’s an off-the-grid island in the middle of the Gen Zsea. (The “z” is silent here.)
Samantha can poly-multi-oodle task: Cook Thai salmon from a YouTube tutorial, while watching the Eagles KILL the Commanders (which means Samantha’s on her way to winning her third fantasy football league) WhatsApp with her in laws in Italy while texting friends, with receipts, enjoy a shoulder massage from her hubby, and, NOT read articles I send her.
I’m still trying to figure out Spotify. I get confused between the Internet and Wifi. And what’s Snapchat?
But guess what? I’m in-training.
1. Are you still learning the ways of the Gen Zany Zerious Zuper Zoomers?
2. Am I leaving anything off this list?
3. Do you absorb new tech like a kid?
Very funny! My kids are all millennials so have different generational communication tics. Although I have to say that my wife and I are worse because our iPhones are linked such that when one of us texts, unless we identify ourselves, our kids don't know if it's me or Debbie. And when they call it rings on both our phones. It drives then a little crazy, which amuses us to no end.
I am an old relic, a Boomer, an old Boomer. Moved to Georgia when I was pushing 50. Went for a job in a warehouse in maintenance but the HR lady discovered I could type with both hands along with run a computer. I was put in the shipping office and since I needed a job I took the second shift. I ended up retiring when I was 66 and had worked all three shifts and about everywhere in the office. The difference I found out with the generations was that when I was asked to change departments, the one I was leaving was doing better and the one I was being sent to needed help, I never complained about the work or the shift. Just wanted to leave it better than I found it. Two years after I retired, I found out I was the lowest paid person in the office.