Computer Problems? Call My Hubby

How we got free dinners, my first comedy video and an aversion to Mac

Hubby Jeffrey is a tech/computer nerd. He’s known throughout the history of our family and friends as their own personal tech support. When the kids were little, if I overheard a soccer mom complaining about her computer problems, I’d chime in offering Jeffrey’s services.

“My hubby can fix it for you.”

“Really?”

“Sure.”

“Can I pay him?”

(Note: We were new in town, and I was in search of friends.)

“No no no. Just have us over for dinner. Fixing computers is his dessert. He loves it.”

“Okay. How’s Saturday night? Do you eat steak?”

“I’ll bring the red wine.”

It was a win win. We’d get a free meal, and our new friends would have a tutorial and a working computer.

Jeffrey would move furniture, pull out the desk, crawl behind the unit, find their dog’s ball, a Lego piece from 1999 and an sometimes an unplugged computer. Pure dedication.

Word got out and we were booked for dinners 8 months in advance. Well, not actually, but if I really worked the lacrosse field, fencing club and hip-hop class we could have saved enough money in dinners for a new computer.

Jeffrey was available by phone too. My eldest sister needed help setting up her private cloud (an “NAS”– basically your own private Google in a box at home). She called me first.

“I don’t want to take up too much of his time,” Vicki said to me.

“Are you kidding? He loves this.”

Jeffrey spent half a Saturday on the phone with Vicki. It gave me some do-what-I-want time. I binged on Gilmore Girls, ate cake for lunch, napped with my mouth open. I was a rebel.

Jeffrey is Anti-Mac

If you’ve been reading my Headers, Comments and Notes recently, you’d know I’ve been over-sharing my desire to make comedy videos. I have a Mac, I’ve got self-proclaimed funny ideas, do it.

Pre-Mac, I used a Dell laptop. It was fine for writing. Why would I need an expensive Mac when I only required Microsoft Word and at the time a screenwriting software? But bizarre occurrences ensued with the PC.

“Why am I always having problems with this Dell?” I said to Jeffrey.

My computer wouldn’t start, or load, or I’d lose a document. Jeffrey spent hours cleaning it out, I’d try again but something would fail. Worst of all, it worked fine for him.

Jeffrey mentioned this situation to his CTO at work who said that some people actually have this bizarre affliction called ESD, Electrostatic Discharge which can build up on your body or an object then discharge onto another object like a computer, causing problems.

Jeffrey did a mini survey and yes, other folks at work experienced this too. It wasn’t just me. What a relief. For some reason, the PC did not agree with my electromagnetic discharge. (There’s a joke here, I just can’t think of one.)

“Vicki never has a problem with her Mac,” I said.

We bought me my first Mac about 10 years ago and I haven’t looked back. Jeffrey warned me though, “Don’t ask me for help with a Mac. They don’t make sense.”

Background

Jeffrey built his own computer. He taught our kids how to build their own computers. As a video game developer he always used an ASUS or Dell. His employer NEVER supplied him with a Mac computer. No real gamers or companies who build video games ever use(d) the Mac (except originally for Digital Art but now Photoshop runs on everything, including your phone—Jeffrey added this fact).

Back to comedy videos

I took a free iphone video class at the Apple Store. It didn’t matter that I was the only student, James wore the headset with microphone anyway. I had a glorious one on one lesson.

At the end of the class he asked, “Any questions?”

I raised my hand even though no one else was at the table and James called on me.

“How do I add captions?”

“You need iMovie for that. You have a MAC?”

“Macbook Air. No ESD for me,” I said proudly.

James raised an eyebrow. I don’t think ESD ever existed with a Mac.

I drove home excited to click on iMovie which comes with the Macbook Air. An icon told me that it wouldn’t load unless I had the current IOS, Sonoma.

Sonoma would not upload. There were lots of ERROR icons. Ugh. Why can’t they instead say, “You’re f-cked.”

I called Apple Support. After hours on the phone and following the customer service provider’s directions I ended up with a dead computer. It wouldn’t start and I knew it wasn’t ESD. I was transferred to Manager Craig who made me an appointment at my local Apple store and warned that they might have to wipe my laptop clean.

“But… I didn’t have this problem before I was told to press all these buttons.”

Craig apologized and told me a Genius should be able to help.

I cautiously approached Jeffrey.

“Got a minute?”

“Sure.”

I slid the laptop in front of him and repeated what happened on my three-hour phone call with Customer Support and Manager Craig.

Jeffrey tried his own personal tech magic and nothing worked.

“Why can’t it--? What the hell is--? I fucking hate Apple,” he said.

“Will you come with me to the appointment? Couldn’t hurt for you to learn a different system.”

Jeffrey begrudgingly nodded.

Back to the Apple Store

James was there. “You’re back.”

“I’m occupying Apple. I need a tent and a grubhub menu.”

His brows furrowed; that joke was a fail. You can’t always make ‘em laugh.

“Appointment at the genius bar,” I explained.

“Ah,” he said.

“And I brought my hubby. He hates Apple.”

They exchanged, “Hey’s.”

I sat next to a dude at the bar who was there for the third time this week. He had a 2016 Macbook.

“What are you in for?” I said.

“Battery. She doesn’t last.”

“Oh no.”

“What year is yours?”

I felt like we were at an auto repair shop.

“2020. She’s still got some life left in her.”

Jeffrey pulled at his collar while doom-scrolling on his ANDROID phone. He looked downright uncomfortable as though he was a soldier in enemy territory.

Genius Gary called my name and after I explained the failures, he opened my laptop.

It’s never a good sign when the Genius groans and grabs a thick cable. Jeffrey shook his head too. This was bad.

“What’s he doing?” I said to Jeffrey.

“He has to connect to ethernet.”

“What’s an ether net?” I said.

Jeffrey wiped the sweat from his neck, clicked his tongue and gritted his teeth. I wanted to console him; tell him it was okay that he was in an Apple store.

Jeffrey is the last Apple hold out in our family. A man on his own island with a Dell computer, Android phone and a Garmin watch. If Amelia Earhart crash landed a few years ago and no one found her we’d know why. She didn’t have an iPhone.

“Hey look, someone’s trying those goggles,” I said.

“They’re called Vision Pro.”

“Maybe we can make an appointment for a demo, have a date night here,” I said, trying to lure Jeffrey into the pleasures of Apple.

“You know META-- aka Facebook renamed to appear less evil-- is the leader in the spatial computing market.”

I almost covered Gary’s ears, hoping he didn’t overhear Jeffrey who had never defended anything Facebook and had left that platform years ago.

I wished I could have whipped out a beer from my purse; Jeffrey needed one.

My laptop came back to life in the “ether.” I figured it must be like a ventilator for computers. Even so Gary was having problems loading Sonoma. He was constantly going through that handle-less back door where only the Geniuses are allowed. I wondered what was back there. A junk yard of old Apple products or a sleek, modern employees play area with foosball and air hockey tables?

I was glad we ate dinner before the appointment. It was almost 9pm. 2016 dude was long gone.

“We’re closing down the place,” I said to Jeffrey and Gary. No reply. My laptop was serious business.

By 9:10pm Sonoma and iMovie were loaded.

Jeffrey could not leave that store fast enough.

“I‘m parched. Maybe there’s a water fountain somewhere,” I said.

He was way ahead of me, already passing the Lucky Jeans Store and Kay Jewelers. “I need to get home.”

Home

I was never tech savvy. In the 70s I’d get frustrated with the TV antennae. By the 90’s, I had Jeffrey so why bother learning? But he was busy, and I had the vision for my comedy videos; I needed to learn iMovie on my own.

I spent hours trying to figure out how to change the aspect ratio of the video to a square for Instagram. Nothing worked. Tutorials weren’t helpful. I missed the days of a TV antennae.

“Jeff?” I said sweetly. “Can you figure this out?”

He spent 20 minutes trying different settings, nothing worked. Exasperated, he said, “This doesn’t make sense.” Finally, my hubby who was family tech and made video games for 35 years, said, “I can’t work with this.”

He downloaded Adobe Premiere Rush for me and I was able to edit my first comedy video.

Here’s my pre-first video with Jeffrey’s help; he used Adobe Premiere.

If you want to see my first video edited by moi on Adobe Premiere Rush click here or here. Advice welcomed.

We did have a date night at Apple and tried the Vision Pro. It was amazing but the device was too heavy. I left with a headache.

1. Do you have a family tech guru?

2. Apple or PC?

3. Can you relate?