To be honest, I felt the info dump on Bark Shannigan (I smirked internally when I read his name) was a bit much. I think you should've left it at "The school was opened in 1987 by New Jersey resident Bark Shannigan, who claimed to be the first to make the donut hole a popular snack." Derrick wasn't too bad. You were setting the scene there, so that was understandable. The mid-blink EOTM pic made me giggle.
I would also suggest adding asterisks (or something more interesting like the @ symbol, since it's about emails) between scene breaks. When it went from Derrick's POV to Josh & Andrew, I was thrown off, wondering who was doing the "talking", so to speak. Will you be sharing more? Hope this gets made.
This was one of the funniest pieces I have read in a long time. I was actually laughing out loud. I love the bit about the donut hole, the characters names are adorable and you are an amazing writer. Keep up the good work. Can’t wait for chapter 2
Nice job! For me (it is early in the morning so this could be why) there were too many characters over a short number of pages and the character development seemed about equal on them so I wasn’t sure where to focus. I also didn’t understand that the boy was shy and that’s why he was in a zombie mask, I thought was going to pull out a gun and shoot someone. So my suggestions would be to at least proportionally develop the characters relevant to their importance and help me understand the shy boy a bit sooner so I can accurately envision the scene.
I love Bark's name, it had me chuckling. I agree with Mikaela, I had a little trouble following where this was going because I didn't get the father/son team. Developing Josh a little earlier, or more thoroughly, would be helpful perhaps, or it could be one of those stories that all will be revealed.
When I was a teen I spent lots of time in Fairlawn. We had cousins there & (2) most important Heathkit was there on Broadway & I enjoyed building electronics kits. Not sure when East Paterson became Elmwood Pk., but they didn’t want the name Paterson in THEIR name. Good thing Lou Costello wasn’t around (or was he)? “Hey Abbot!”
Haha. When we lived in Boston hubby once wore a Sox sweatshirt with a Giants cap (he’s from SF) to a Fenway game. And a townie looked him up and down and said, Who ya foah? Jeff said, It’s complicated and the townie said, It’s not complicated. Who ya foah?
I wore my Yankee Jersey to a Philly game & got shit from 3 big guys in the men’s room. All I said was, “Where’s the brotherly love?” I mean even the 18 yo taking my ticket gave me shit. I told him to watch your mouth, “I’m paying your salary.”
To be honest, I felt the info dump on Bark Shannigan (I smirked internally when I read his name) was a bit much. I think you should've left it at "The school was opened in 1987 by New Jersey resident Bark Shannigan, who claimed to be the first to make the donut hole a popular snack." Derrick wasn't too bad. You were setting the scene there, so that was understandable. The mid-blink EOTM pic made me giggle.
I would also suggest adding asterisks (or something more interesting like the @ symbol, since it's about emails) between scene breaks. When it went from Derrick's POV to Josh & Andrew, I was thrown off, wondering who was doing the "talking", so to speak. Will you be sharing more? Hope this gets made.
Thx for reading and commenting, Ororo. I went off on a comedy tangent. Great notes. Much appreciation. 🥰🙏
GOOD HUMOR FELICES
GOOD HUMOR FELICES
This was one of the funniest pieces I have read in a long time. I was actually laughing out loud. I love the bit about the donut hole, the characters names are adorable and you are an amazing writer. Keep up the good work. Can’t wait for chapter 2
Thx, ma. 🥰🙏😘😘😘
GOOD HUMOR GRACIAS
🙏🥰
Don't think it was too much as your world building which is always fun.
Thank you, JS. 🥰🙏
I like the characters and premise. Looking forward to seeing where this goes, but what's up with Kia drivers?
I like Derrick's surveillance & authority. The donut hole bit takes the attention too far off track, unless it's relevant later.
Thx so much. Great notes.
Kia drivers. Hehe.
Interesting comments. Love the picture at the end of the essay! The books make great baby shower favors!
Thx! Let me know if you agree with any of the notes.
Nice job! For me (it is early in the morning so this could be why) there were too many characters over a short number of pages and the character development seemed about equal on them so I wasn’t sure where to focus. I also didn’t understand that the boy was shy and that’s why he was in a zombie mask, I thought was going to pull out a gun and shoot someone. So my suggestions would be to at least proportionally develop the characters relevant to their importance and help me understand the shy boy a bit sooner so I can accurately envision the scene.
I love Bark's name, it had me chuckling. I agree with Mikaela, I had a little trouble following where this was going because I didn't get the father/son team. Developing Josh a little earlier, or more thoroughly, would be helpful perhaps, or it could be one of those stories that all will be revealed.
Thx, doll. Consensus rules.
Haha. Zombie mask equals gun toting.
Great notes. Much appreciated. 🙏
I liked the Bark part.
Afraid to get the last name wrong.
Haha. Thx, Rivka. 🙏
I like it. Shy kids are awesome!
Were you shy?
Yep, of course. I still am, in real life.
You blossom in your writing. 🥰
You're very sweet, thank you. 😊
I feel like Bark and Derrick needed a little less attention- I wanted to find out more about the spy game and the laptops and the car horn
Overall very intriguing
Great idea! Thx so much!
Car horn will be revealed in next chapter. Maybe I should make the threat clearer between the car and Andrew crossing the lot.
When I was a teen I spent lots of time in Fairlawn. We had cousins there & (2) most important Heathkit was there on Broadway & I enjoyed building electronics kits. Not sure when East Paterson became Elmwood Pk., but they didn’t want the name Paterson in THEIR name. Good thing Lou Costello wasn’t around (or was he)? “Hey Abbot!”
You’re a wealth of info! I was basing the store on one in Mass.
I wonder who renames towns to sound more upscale. It’s common in many states. Thx for reading and commenting!
Oh sorry. Only been to Mass once although I wouldn’t mind visiting Fenway… with my Yankee jersey.
Meanwhile they hate New Yorkers in Boston but they play ‘Sweet Caroline’ from a Brooklyn born Neil Diamond.
Haha. And was Neil Diamond even a baseball fan?
Haha. When we lived in Boston hubby once wore a Sox sweatshirt with a Giants cap (he’s from SF) to a Fenway game. And a townie looked him up and down and said, Who ya foah? Jeff said, It’s complicated and the townie said, It’s not complicated. Who ya foah?
Hehe.
I wore my Yankee Jersey to a Philly game & got shit from 3 big guys in the men’s room. All I said was, “Where’s the brotherly love?” I mean even the 18 yo taking my ticket gave me shit. I told him to watch your mouth, “I’m paying your salary.”
Haha. It’s crazy how protective and competitive people get over their team.