There's No Crying in Chanukkah

A wee bit o' stress, Charlie Brown, Substack links, Drunk History

I’ve been reading Substack essays recently about how stressful December can be. I love the holidays but in reading these stories I realized why December has been a breeze for my Jewish family.

Debbie Weil

wrote a thoughtful essay, Are you ever a sobbing heap at the holidays?

Donna McArthur

also wrote about December emotions.

We do Chanukkah which means no tree, a small gathering, and no boulder-sized ham or turkey to cook— especially since that roaster from Thanksgiving was just put away. We’ve always been guests at a friend’s Christmas party. I was especially honored if our family was asked to help decorate the elusive Christmas tree. We didn’t have to pick out the tree, trudge it thru the snow, tie it to the car, yank it upstairs, argue with the kids about who is going to clean up all those needle-crumbs, pull out the decorations from storage… No. We just showed up and ooh’d and ahhh’d at the lights and learned about an inherited ornament handed down from grandma who paid $1000 for her property on the cape (Cape Cod, MA) but now mom may have to move from that heirloom house because all the new surrounding McMansions drove up the property taxes.

We drank too much egg nog, ate a yummy dinner, an apple crumb thing, stealthily spit out the fruit cake and wished we knew Tom Cruise so we too would have been gifted the Bundt cake he gives friends every year instead of a Christmas card.

One of hubby’s past employers didn’t have a Christmas party one year because of budget cuts. I was bummed and had to return a really cute sequin blazer.

When I went shopping for presents— before online purchasing became too easy— I loved saying, “Merry Christmas” to the salesperson handing me my bag of gifts, who likely celebrated. And if she didn’t, the good wishes made her smile, and she would return the cheer.

Our holiday cards were always New Year’s themed because, 1. It gave me an extra week to get organized so the card could be received in plenty of time and 2. I never like the generic “Happy Holidays,” card and didn’t want to have to parse out who gets one for Chanukkah and who receives the Christmas card and oh, what if the couple is interfaith? I made it easy on myself.

I had no idea my Christian and secular friends stressed about Dec 25th.

There are two Chanukah stressors:

1. If you’re chosen to be the latke maker. (Potato pancakes.) The designated chef not only stands over the cook top for 3 hours, but the residue smell of greasy potato lingers in the house until Valentine’s Day and your shirt needs laundering eight times— even with the overhead vent, and, opened doors and windows during the frying.

The kids would come home from school and find me bundled in my down coat in a freezing house and would say excitedly, “Mom’s making latkes!”

2. The second stressor is how the heck do you spell Chanukkah? Spell check corrects me with an H at the beginning and two k’s. But I’ve seen it spelled Chanukah, or with two n’s, three k’s. It’s open season. I prefer Chanukah because the Ch means you will pronounce it correctly. It should sound like you’re revving up a spit ball.

I used to feel “left out”—

when I’d go to the market and there would be aisles and aisles of Christmas decor and goodies and one shelf for Chanukah. It was the kids who taught me to be grateful.

“Look! Here’s an entire Chanukkah section!” said Dylan as though it was a store unto itself instead of a pop up.

Dylan and Samantha would happily grab the chocolate coin bags—a mesh bag filled with round foil-covered milk chocolate made from reject cocoa beans-- and they’d ask for new dreidels because we could never find the ones from last year. (A Dreidel is a spinning top with Hebrew letters on each side. Wherever the dreidel may fall will determine the prize. It’s good to teach kids how to gamble at such a young age.)

“Look mom. You can buy these heart-shaped potholders with menorahs,” said Dylan.

I couldn’t say to my kids, “Those are the ugliest potholders I’ve ever seen,” so instead I said, “Oh nice. Maybe next time.”

“But we’re getting fun stuff—“

“Yeah,” Samantha cheered. “Get yourself something too.”

“Oh. Well, lookie here. They have kosher salt.”

“Yay!” They shouted in unison and tossed the box into the wagon.

Recently I went to our huge local grocery store called Fred Meyer. I was thrilled they had a Hanukkah kiosk since our neighborhood has maybe 5 Jews. (Play video with sound for extra joy.)

A Charlie Brown Christmas

From ages 5-11, every year, I’d watch A Charlie Brown Christmas. My sisters and I loved all the Charlie Brown holiday shows. In retrospect, I’m not sure why this was my favorite cartoon. All the kids are mean to Charlie Brown, even his dog doesn’t like him. Linus is supposedly a friend, but he calls him derogatory names too which is odd being that Linus has issues of his own. He still sucks his thumb and trudges around with a security blanket. How is he not a target of ridicule?

And why doesn’t anyone ever call him, Charlie? His name is pronounced CharlieBrown. One word. It’s not like there’s another Charlie in the class. Finally, Peppermint Patty—a transfer student?—not only has a crush on him but calls him “Chuck.” I guess the producers figured the poor kid needs someone to like him. Or, moms wrote in angry letters.

I suppose Charlie Brown’s early pattern baldness was proven a success amongst focus groups since 35 years later another bald kid became a popular cartoon character called, Caillou.

Maybe I loved this cartoon because there weren’t any parents. EVER. And the teachers sounded like a dying cow, which was hilarious. If Charlie Brown was a weekly series, perhaps I would have grown tired of the kids who never grew up. Calling the show a “special” made it, well, special.

About halfway through the Christmas special, Charlie Brown is chosen to direct the school play and buy the class Christmas tree. He picks out a small, dying tree with maybe 3 needles. What I want to know is why did this retailer allow this tree to be tagged for sale? And what did Charlie Brown pay for this sapling?

Soon the tree is propped up by Charlie Brown’s classmates after stealing and using Snoopy’s decorations from his doghouse and the meaning of Christmas is revealed by Linus who seems to be the only kid who goes to Sunday School.

Good will towards men.

While this is a great moral for young viewers, Charlie Brown’s classmates never adhere to this lesson.

You just know that Lucy grows up to be a CEO of a corporation she so despises as a child, Schroeder never becomes the concert pianist his parents dreamed of, but a piano salesman, Pig Pen is a retired astronaut, his collection of moon rocks and dirt are at the Smithsonian, Charlie Brown’s sister, Sally, was a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader and is now a beauty pageant coach to six year old and Peppermint Patty has been a State Senator for 32 years.

Here’s my Charlie Brown Chanukkah—Snoopy would sneeze, blowing out the menorah candles, Lucy would charge a dollar per latke and Charlie Brown’s spinning dreidel would always land on Nun (Nothing). The soothing piano and jazz music underscoring the episode would be Klezmer and the parents would definitely have a say... in everything.

The Story of Chanukkah

If you don’t have 12 minutes to spend, watching this hilarious parody of Comedy Central’s Drunk History, called, Tipsy Torah, read

Jason Crystal

‘s Maccabee Nation’s brief explanation.

This next video has nothing to do with Christmakkah but is a hilarious Drunk History with Tiffany Haddish telling the story of Rose Valland, the woman who defied the Nazis.

Chanukkah and Christmas are falling on the same day this year. While 2 billion people celebrate a wise, peaceful Jewish man, I celebrate the miracle of the 14 million Jewish people on this stunning earth and you, dear reader. Thank you for being here. Please drink some egg nog for me. Happy Christmakkah!

1. Do you have a holiday tradition?

2. Are you stressing or breathing?

3. Did you watch A Charlie Brown Christmas too? BTW, you can stream it on Apple TV.