I Got A Job At the US Post Office
Here is the training manual
Showing up to Work:
1. Don’t worry if you’re late; it happens. If you didn’t sleep well, stay home. The other employees will handle the cranky customers. It’s character building for all.
2. Upon arrival, please park in one of the three parking spaces available to customers.
3. Make sure the Handicap door button is faulty.
4. If you work at the counter, forget to have everything you need and be as disorganized as possible.
Couriers:
1. Deliver mail when it’s convenient for YOU.
2. Do not deliver mail if it MIGHT snow.
3. If you have a gate code to a private residence, and they have a mail hold, do not bother delivering 3 weeks’ worth of mail to their front porch. Leave the box in the rain outside the gate.
4. If you have any mailbox issues—ie: there has been a break-in and the box is inoperative, leave the mail in the rain.
5. If you are on time and you have easy access to the mailbox, make sure the mail gets sopping wet in the rain before inserting into the mailbox.
6. Always carry a jar of peanut butter on your route. If the homeowner has a violent or friendly dog rub peanut butter on the mail and use the “Drop and Run” protocol. (Drop and Run is exactly what it sounds like.)
Customer Service:
1. If there are more than 3 people waiting in line extend your break. Give yourself another 10 minutes. Enjoy a Hot Pocket as they are subsidized in the vending machine. If the microwave is broken bring in one from home.
2. If a customer doesn’t have an appointment at the Passport counter, don’t let them know they need an appointment. Extend your break. Enjoy a free bag of Goldfish crackers in the break room. When you return to the counter service area and a non-appointment Passport customer asks for help it is only then you can inform them that they need an appointment which is nearly impossible to make on the USPS website. Note: They may not cut the line to ask this question.
3. There is no help, service or tutoring for customers to manage the USPS online portal. The developers also have trouble navigating the site. You may let customers know if they ask— and only if they have waited in line.
4. Even though NO ONE uses stamps anymore, always ask the customer if they’d like to purchase stamps.
5. If a customer has been in line for 45 minutes do not apologize for the wait.
6. If a customer inquires why there are no longer MISSING or WANTED signs posted, sarcastically reply, “Have you ever heard of the internet?”
7. When a customer has a letter or shipping box that is stamped and ready to be mailed, tell them they must wait their turn or they will be reported to the Postmaster General, a guy nobody wants to mess with. He’s a General after all.
8. Please ensure there are no working pens near any forms and labels for customer convenience.
9. If Post Office hours change, ensure that the manager does NOT update the sign out front.
10. If the Post Office is closed for any reason, do NOT update the sign out front.
11. If someone has a pick-up slip do not call them to the pick-up window until they’ve been on line for at least 20 minutes. If they ring the door bell at the pick-up window do not answer.
12. If a customer is having trouble at the Self Service kiosk, make sure they wait in line, then ask them if they know what “self service” means.
13. If a customer is confused about which form to use for a special delivery do not explain it to them. They will be more confused and become hostile.
14. If a customer complains about missing mail tell them there are people without mail in Africa.
15. If your branch runs out of packing tape or boxes tell the customer to try again next season.
16. If a customer inquires about a public mailbox pick-up time let him know we cannot guarantee any delivery from a street mailbox. In fact, the USPS does not guarantee any mail will be delivered, ever. It’s a miracle any American receives mail.
Never leave the counter area even if there are no customers
1. If a customer is having trouble carrying packages and no one is around to help and you are the only Post Office employee behind the counter, you may observe the customer only.
2. If a customer drops a heavy box on his toe, you may laugh.
3. If a customer has a heart attack or dies, remain behind the counter and call for a manager on the internal phone line.
Old motto: Neither snow nor rain nor gloom of night shall stave these couriers from swift completion from their appointed rounds.
New motto: Let them die waiting.
Let’s chat!
Do you avoid the PO at all costs?
Did I miss something that should be in the training manual? What?
Brilliant. Just about sums up every public service in the UK!
This is hilarious. Fortunately, I don’t have to go to the post office. My wife forbids it. I cannot be trusted with adult responsibilities that fall under the category of paperwork, accounting, or professional correspondence of any kind.