Funny AF Woman #4
Rachel Haywire
“I was told there was this one time I threw sushi at people in a restaurant and told them to ‘break out of the matrix.’ I swear I have no recollection of this.”
1. What were your life events that lead you to realize, “Hey, I’m pretty funny.”
Definitely bullying. The kids were always pointing and laughing at me for being weird and autistic in middle school, so I realized that I was funny and decided to turn things around and make them the joke. I began making up parody songs and disses to fight back, and the kids suddenly began laughing with me instead. I just happened to be a very tormented weird kid who possessed a dark wit and capacity to be very mean. Everyone thought this was a riot.
2. Did your parents encourage your funny side?
Yes. When I moved to NYC, they encouraged me to do improv and standup. I never really got into it on a professional level, but it was a fun side gig in which I was able to continue the tradition of turning my inner torment into external exploitation humor. I made the edgiest jokes that I would easily have been canceled for today. Nothing was off limits, and I mean absolutely nothing.
3. How did you nurture your funny side?
I basically just let it grow. I don’t like to force anything, and really hate canned and predictable humor. My sense of humor tends to be harsh and confrontational or macabre with a touch of absurdity. It has a mind of its own.
4. Do you think you may have inherited your funny bone? A funny uncle? Who? Were you close with that person or heard stories about them?
My mother was funny in a way that was completely over the top and cringe, yet still kind of adorable. She was always making the most ridiculous puns, so I wanted to one-up her. I took the cringe to town and gave it new life, only it was a lot more twisted and disturbing my time around.
5. Did being funny ever get in the way of a close relationship?
No, but I was in a relationship with someone who tried really hard to be funny and wasn’t, which got in the way of me laughing. I didn’t like this dynamic at all.
6. If you’re in a partnership, is he or she funny? Was/Is humor a requirement?
I’m not in a partnership at the moment, but if I am by the time this airs, I’ll revise this answer.
7. If you have a funny partner is there ever a joke competition or do you play well off each other?
I like the dynamic of improv competitions. I remember participating in Tragic Improv in NYC, which is exactly what it sounds like.
8. Did being funny ever get in the way of school or work? How?
Since the kids in school laughed when I made up parody songs about the other kids, I began making parody songs up about my teachers too. Most of them took it well, but there was one who truly did not. I was actually expelled from private school over being a bit too mean to her. I remember coming back to the school to gather my belongings, and some of the other kids high-fived me for roasting the teacher (to be fair she was pretty mean herself) while making flattering comments about my breasts. This was the first time I felt like an adult, at 14.
None of these kids had ever complimented my breasts before, and they were finally beginning to grow. That is what interested me at the time, far more than the private school I had been expelled from, which was, like, totally mainstream and conformist. I didn’t realize how bad it was that I had been expelled until several years later, probably because of my trendy autism. I also didn’t realize my breasts were going to grow way too big, but that’s a story for another time related to a surgical operation.
9. Was anyone ever threatened by your humor? Who? What happened?
Not that I can recall, but a lot of people used to make up crazy stories about me online, so I suppose I could have made some mean jokes that caused people to make up these crazy stories about me, and my last name was already Haywire. These stories about me were really fucking crazy. Wait, what were we talking about again?
10. Can you tell me about a time when you turned something painful into something humorous?
Besides being born, bullied, and scoring higher on the trauma index than a Chinese sex slave I can’t think of anything in particular. I think gallows humor is just my default mode, unless I’m being serious, which I actually am most of the time.
11. Can you tell me about a time when you couldn’t muster anything funny and how it affected you? How long did it last? How did you rebound from the unfunny funk?
When I get depressed I find it hard to be funny, unless I start telling suicide jokes. “I would kill myself but don’t feel well enough” kind of stuff. Then there are the times where things get so depressing that my only response is to laugh hysterically at the absurdity of it all, which often brings me out of my funk.
12. Can you describe the type of humor you possess? Clever Wit, quick-with-a-joke, physical, goofball, aggressive, self-enhancing, self-deprecating, dark, observational, all the aforementioned or one I didn’t think of? What’s an example of how you might respond in any situation?
Dark, morbidly ironic, witty, harsh/critical, absurdist, narcissistically self-deprecating, and performance-based. I will either go for the jugular, make an irrelevant statement that throws everything off course, or make the situation itself the joke. I was told there was this one time I threw sushi at people in a restaurant and told them to “break out of the matrix.” I swear I have no recollection of this.
13. If you have kids, when was the first time you made them laugh?
I would never inflict that torment on another being! I’m not even a tradwife. I was literally never based, on that.
14. Did your sense of humor change in the last 5 years? If so, how?
Maybe it became more subtle. I used to take a more extreme approach. I try to at least pretend to be civilized now.
16. Was your humor ever mean? What happened? Any regrets?
It was usually mean, and I regret ever hurting anyone, except for everyone who was mean to me. All of those people deserved it and I was fighting back in self-defense, ok? Yet it was also very kind at times, and I used my kindness to cheer up my fellow outsiders and misfits who felt like they were the only ones going through their struggles. I’d tell them that I was going through the same isolation that they were and that we were going to form an army and torture the people who did this to us, getting into graphic details about dismembering our tormenters in the most absurdly comical ways. Wait, I think this was mean too. Yet it always made these people laugh and feel better.
17. What would be the title of your life right now?
Either Frankfurt School Dropout or Psychotic Panic Attack at Tiffany’s Who is Actually a Huge Bitch. It depends on the hour of the day.
18. Who is your role model? If you could say anything to this person, what would it be?
Amy Sedaris. Strangers with Candy got me through my teenage years. Thank you for showing me that you could be a weird and morbid woman who cracked people up.
19. Please include a brief bio of what you’re currently up to and include links to any social media, books, etc.
I’m a futurist and consultant with a focus on how culture plays a role in civilizational growth. I’m particularly interested in Berlin during the punk era and how industrial music predicted our modern condition. My Substack is here, and my last collection of essays was published in my book The New Art Right. I am @culturalfuturist on IG.
Stay for questions and comments. Rachel will be in the house to chat. I have a couple of questions and requests…
I want to know about Tragic Improv in NYC.
Did you go to school in Frankfurt? Details please.
I had to look up Tradwife. Any other useful lingo for us oldsters?
Frankfurt School Dropout is actually brilliant!
What stood out most to me in this interview was the part where she turned bullying to her advantage. I wish more bullied kids could master this skill and save themselves from asshole kids.
This was a fun (and very interesting) installment of Funny AF women. Thanks for this!