Everything Everywhere All At Once Is Too Long

Nothing Nowhere for over Two Hours; Rated R for Ruffled

Disclaimer— The proprietors of this establishment may not share the views of Grandma Ethel. The following must be read in NY Jewish accent. (Yes, Jewish has an accent of its own.)

From My Sofa (with plastic covering so if you spill it won’t stain)

A Movie Review by Grandma Ethel

What is this picture about? In a nutshell, the mother, Evelyn, played by the lovely Michelle Yeoh, is a workaholic and the daughter doesn’t appreciate it. It turns out, Evelyn’s whiny daughter is an evil universe disrupter in another dimension. For the rest of the movie Evelyn plays ping pong with her decision making—does she kill her own daughter, or make amends? Kill? Amend? Kill? Amend? It’s a tough call.

I almost didn’t recognize Jamie Lee Curtis. She was terrific in this picture. But I must say, she let herself go. She looks like my cousin Fage.

At one point the story turns into that Keanu Reeves movie, The Matrix. An eclectic crew behind the scenes guides Evelyn to an escape route. I needed a blue pill with my popcorn and Dr. Brown’s Cream soda. Actually, the switching back and forth between universes made me dizzy so I took a Xanax which is sometimes blue depending on the pharmacy.

My favorite universe is the one where the mother is a celebrity. Not sure what she was a celebrity of, but she wears a lovely gold Lemay dress. I once had a dress like that. Of course, not as fancy schmancy but I was a looker.

So many universes so little time. The Xanax didn’t help. The movie reminded me of the time my friend’s grandson accidentally gave me a marijuana brownie:

Blood and sparkles together in one scene. Then everyone has Hebrew National hot dog fingers. During a fight segment, rubber dildo weapons were used like swords. (Uh oh, I said the D word. Don’t let my granddaughter read this.) Then the grumpy grandpa wants Evelyn to kill her daughter (his granddaughter). Then it’s very violent and the security guard jumps on an award, a statue? I don’t know but he landed tushy first. I’ve had the proctologist poke his finger up there. Not nice. 

At one point, Evelyn becomes a Benihana chef. There was one in Encino. My granddaughters took me there for dinner. It was too salty.

I liked when Michelle Yeoh did Kung Fu. She’s very talented that actress. All the actresses are very good. They give committed performances to this highly fakakta (Yiddish for hot mess) script.

The directors (yes, two) incorporated an ongoing motif of circles. The commercial laundry machine door has a circular window. Bagels are everywhere. I’m guessing the theme of the movie is that life is like a bagel. The round breakfast is all knowing. 

In fact, the best part of the movie was the everything bagel. It got me in the mood, and I found one in the freezer from last year. I toasted it and it was delicious with a schmear of cream cheese and lox— which was leftover from my friend Vivian’s bagel from last week.

Finally, there’s a giant bagel that turns into a spinning wheel like the Wheel of Fortune my favorite game show. Very upset that Pat Sajak is leaving. I dreamt about that bagel for four nights in a row.

Throughout the entire viewing I knew I would need Botox after this movie. My brow was permanently crumpled. My face was going to freeze like that. 

I mentioned this movie has two directors. Maybe one for the peculiar and one for the normal sections? 

I have three ratings: Delightful, Meh or Oy. I give Everything Everywhere All at Once an OY.

That’s me with two of my eleven great-grandchildren. I’m still kvelling. (Yiddish for Bursting with Pride. Circa 1999ish

Questions from my granddaughter:

1. Weren’t my kids scrumptious? (They still are.)

2. Have you ever had the hot-dog finger disease?

3. Did you see this movie? Did Grandma Ethel spoil it for you?

4. Would you like Grandma Ethel to ask/answer questions next month?