“Honey, I need to go to the ER.”
You’d think I had just told Jeffrey my water broke. He frantically ran about the house searching for his backpack, stuffing it with protein bars and water bottles as though we were going on a hike or a road trip. But he knew-- the ER meant a long wait time, spending the day, picnicking on a gurney.
“Pack some clean underwear just in case I have to spend the night.”
He also remembered our phone chargers.
Urgent Care
The day before I was just as sick but opted for Urgent Care which is like a low-rent ER plus you can make an appointment.
“I feel like someone is stabbing me in the throat, and maybe I have a UTI?” I told the nurse.
“We can only look at one issue.”
“But I have a few. What if they’re connected?”
“I’ll ask the doctor.”
I wondered if the doctor went to half medical school. Maybe she earned a partial body degree.
After two hours, they ruled out pneumonia and told me I had a UTI and to pick up the antibiotic tomorrow. I hadn’t had a UTI since my 20’s.
ER
The best time to get to the ER is the morning, especially after a Bomb Cyclone. This was a new kind of storm to me too. It literally sounded like bombs were exploding outside our windows. It’s when cold and warm air collide. By the end of this storm, up to 600,000 people were without power, including us. While I was bowing to the porcelain, Jeffrey waited on gas lines to fill our cans and keep our generator running.
The ER was quiet, their power was out too, except for the slight hum of the hospital generator. People were probably too cold or too busy chopping firewood to go to the ER. Almost every road was blocked from downed power lines, leading to the hospital, so traffic was nonexistent. There was that antiseptic scent mixed with coffee. The only other patient in the waiting area was an old guy on oxygen sitting in a wheelchair and his companion. I wondered if he lost power at his home and came to the ER for charging. I was glad Jeff brought his laptop. He could get some quality work done here. Yes, morning in the ER is the right time. For some reason kids putting a battery up their nose or a mom pulling her hair out until her scalp bleeds happens in the afternoon.
Jeffrey reiterated my symptoms to the reception gal, then a nurse in a way station area, and finally to the PA (Physician Assistant), once we were in a room, with me chiming in now and then for extra details.
“She’s been nauseated—”
“I kept throwing up—”
“And fatigued—”
“I can’t stop sleeping—"
“She has a history of kidney disease—”
“But it’s been in remission—”
When the PA heard Kidney, he ordered a CT scan.
The PA then repeated all the tests I had at Urgent Care the day before except for the CT scan because if someone needed a CT scan they’re to be sent to the ER.
“I don’t like the UTI, covid and flu tests at Urgent Care,” said the PA. “They’re not accurate.”
I looked at Jeffrey. If he could have read my mind, he would have known I was thinking, “What the f-k was the point of Urgent Care?” I later told him that I will never go to Urgent Care again unless I have something uncomplicated, like a battery up my nose.
The PA and Nurse Troy went on, dissing Urgent Care.
“So, she had vomiting, a fever and back pain and they didn’t send her to the ER.”
“But sometimes they’ll send us someone with a paper cut?”
I added to their whine fest, “And the doctor apparently had an “M” but not the “D.”
The PA looked confused.
“Just hang tight,” said Nurse Troy.
And they were gone.
The waiting began. The second hand of the clock was broken. On purpose?
Nurse Troy popped his head in and asked if he could get me anything. I already had an IV pinching my arm and was about to ask for a bag of fluid for my obvious dehydration when he said, “Sorry, no fluid. There’s a shortage because of Hurricane Helene.”
“Whuuuut? There’s just one facility in the entire US that packages sterile fluid?”
“Crazy, right? We’re only allowed to hook someone up if they’re like dying.”
Nurse Troy was gone.
I tried to find a comfortable position on the gurney and realized I didn’t have a pillow.
“Jeff, you think there’s a pillow shortage too?”
I wanted to sleep but the fluorescent lights were bright enough to land a UFO.
“Jeff, what’s that red light switch? Maybe that will turn off this spotlight.”
“But it’s red.”
“So?”
“I don’t want to launch a missile.”
“I’m sure it’s fine.”
“What if the red one turns off the generator?”
Nurse Troy entered again, asked how I was doing, said, “It’s so bright in here,” and flipped off the red-light switch.
Nothing launched.
Jeffrey laughed out loud. I chortled in slow motion. Everything moved in slow motion. My body, mind, bowels, energy. Except my throat. My throat was shouting, telling me to shut up. I complied as it was painful to speak.
My CT scan Uber driver arrived. She wore a ski jacket.
“You’re cold like me?” I mumbled.
She nodded, unsmiling. I hoped her house wasn’t impaled by a tree and she was out of PTO’s and had to come to work.
The hospital hallway was dark and freezing. I understood why Nanook my driver was grumpy. She wanted to be sitting next to a fire drinking hot chai. We barreled down to the CT scan room. The technician was fast too. Maybe it was an early day for them?
More waiting.
I couldn’t sleep.
This was my reading material.
Meanwhile, I have an ongoing text thread with my mom and sisters. I put Jeffrey in charge of updating them.
My ma and middle sister, Debbie, either have suggestions or answers for all ailments which is amazing since they’ve never been to medical school. Some are good, some are out of the goodness of their hearts.
Jeff looked up from one text. “Debbie wants to know if you ate those carrots.”
“The listeria ones in the news? No.”
“She wants me to mention it to the doctor.”
“But I don’t buy packaged baby carrots.”
“Okay. I’ll say, ‘Doc, maybe her problem is the carrots she never ate.’”
My ma could be a pharmaceutical lobbyist. She knows every medication since Laudanum. She even knows all the herbs Claire used in Outlander. She’ll push Tums and NSAIDs like they’re M&M’s and tell me to stop taking my supplements, that they could be causing all my issues.
“Jeff, she needs an anti-biotic. But if she feels better after two days it’s okay to stop.”
“Tell her that’s not how it works.”
Jeffrey read aloud the next text from my ma. “’I had a friend who was supposed to take a medication for a year. She stopped after a week and was fine.’”
My ma has a friend for every situation. She loves telling the story of her friend’s granddaughter whose boyfriend wouldn’t propose marriage so she broke up with him, met a billionaire two months later, married him and they’re very happy.
Waiting.
My phone rang. It was a charity.
“Sorry. I’m in the hospital. I don’t have my credit card hidden under my Johnny. But I am currently donating bodily fluids.”
Results
One radiologist saw a blood vessel flaw in my kidney. They were going to do an MRI for another view when an older radiologist said, “Nah, it’s fine.”
But before the older doc viewed my report, they hooked me up to the prized fluid, thinking I would need it to help flush the next toxic dye that would wind its way through my kidneys.
That fluid is like liquid gold when you feel like crap. Nurse Troy told me some people visit the ER just for that fluid. (FYI “Fluid” = “Saline water”.)
While Urgent Care diagnosed me with a UTI and no pneumonia, the PA at the ER said I had pneumonia and NO UTI.
And my throat? The PA was convinced I had MONO but a day later the test was negative. It wasn’t mono. It was A mono. A doppelganger virus that no one could label.
Somewhere in the day the PA said that science is never definitive. We learned this when Dylan was 8 and needed brain surgery. He had many complications and the doctor’s response was, “Dylan is a mystery.”
Discharge
The fastest part of the ER experience. “Sign here, good bye.”
Jeff tried to make jokes when the PA said, “Give this paperwork to your urologist.”
“Your—ologist, get it? Hehe.”
No one laughed. It was a good attempt.
It was 4pm and the ER was packed as we left. The treatment rooms were full up and there weren’t any open seats in the lobby. I thought I saw a mom with clumps of hair in her fists.
Home
I had more energy. That fluid is like a vitamin B 12 shot mixed with Gatorade. Once home I unpacked my stuff from Jeff’s backpack. He had nabbed me my medications, gluten free crackers and my lipstick. I swooned that he remembered my lipstick.
What’s your favorite ER or Urgent Care experience?
Have you ever been thru a Bomb Cyclone?
Are you a mystery?
Ah, the mysterious red switch. We never figured out what that did in all my husband's time there this summer. (In our case, it wasn't the lights - they seemed to be operated by Magic.) I'm glad you're home again, hopefully with the correct Dx!
My favorite ER experience was when we had to bring in my two year old son because he shoved a dried bean up his nose (Why? Nobody knows.). He had a nosebleed that wouldn't stop, and we could not figure out how to get the thing out and it was 9:00 at night, so to the ER we went, where my hyperactive boy proceeded to bounce merrily up and down on the gurney - this lasted for at least half an hour, when suddenly the bean popped out and flew across the room. My son was still pogoing on the mattress when the doctor came in - we handed him the snotty bean, which doc tossed in a metal tray, and he asked us to restrain the mini Tigger long enough for him to look into his nostrils. He proclaimed him to be healthy and bean-free and sent us home... I forgot to mention that the doctor was laughing throughout the examination. He said there would be no charge because our son "did all the work himself." 😁
I've never heard of a Bomb Cyclone, but we went through a "Snow Bomb," though I'm still not clear on how that differs from an old fashioned blizzard.
I am a mysterious being. I apparently have a 20 mm kidney stone that they'll be removing next Tuesday, but am feeling no pain whatsoever. Everyone is amazed and keep telling me how lucky I am. The only reason they know about it is that I started peeing blood, which apparently is another symptom that will put doctors into freakout mode. I asked if I could skip the operation if the stone doesn't bother me, but was told that that was a Very Bad Idea. Maybe it's a super power...
I'm very happy that your kidneys are okay and you're home safe and sound and you survived the Bomb Cyclone. 😎